A Cow From Udder Space
Notes From the Prairie: I Wonder Series #18
Jan Verdoorn in her cow costume
One morning, while my younger friend Marijka Michmershuizen and I were rehearsing for an upcoming presentation, my phone rang.
“I’m sorry but I have to take this,” I told her. “It’s my sister Jan. She doesn’t often call. I hope it’s not an emergency.”
It wasn’t.
Jan, the family clown, had a request. The next day, she planned to wear a cow costume to a weekly staff meeting at Kemps in Le Mars, Iowa. She had wondered what to say. Then she wondered some more.
In the past when she had worn other costumes to staff meetings, she had known what she wanted to say. Since Kemps was a dairy company, she knew she wanted to wear a cow costume.
I made no guarantees, but told her I would try to create a script after Marijka and I finished rehearsing. As she and I finished rehearsing, I still had no ideas for a cow script.
I explained my problem, and Marijka offered, “Let me look up some cow jokes online for you.”
When I arrived home, Marijka had already sent me a link to a collection of dairy and cow puns. As I read them, I knew I would create a script for a punny cow from outer space.
I smiled while I crammed as many dairy puns as possible into the script. That afternoon — thanks to Marijka’s link — I sent it to Jan, complete with stage directions.
She liked it.
When she performed it the next morning, her coworkers chuckled, and her boss gave her an A+ on her clowning for the day.
I think readers of “I Wonder” might enjoy it too. Here it is:
. . .
Hello everyone! I’m mooo here, and I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Jannabelle Mooocher, and I’m a cow — not a mooose, but a cow. And why do I wear these bells? Because my horns don’t work.
I’m from, from — Darn! I planned to lie about it, but I don’t want to give you a bum steer. I’m from Udder Space.
Udder Space is different from Earth. In Udder Space, when someone wins a beauty contest, they call her a Dairy Queen. We only celebrate one holiday: Mooola-Ween. I love Mooola-Ween. I get to dress up as a human and walk from house to house saying, “Trick or teat, trick or teat.”
In Udder Space, we drink regular coffee when we are pregnant. Then after we give birth, we drink decalff. After all, we’ve just been decalffeinated.
If that joke offends you, don’t have a cow. Suck it up!
Boy, I milked that one for all it was worth. At least I didn’t butcher the punch line.
I was a little worried about that “don’t have a cow” line, though. The steaks are never greater than when I’m entertaining cow-leagues.
(Point to someone in the audience.) I heard you whisper! You called this an udder disaster and said I was crazy. I will let your words go in one ear and out de udder. And I’m not crazy, I’m simply mooody.
You are not only rooood. You are so immature! It’s only ten in the morning, and it’s already pasture bedtime.
(Turn back to the rest of the group.) Actually, I need to confess I’m a bit sleepy also. And I’m past the age for calffeination.
My husband gets sleepy a lot too. He’s a real bulldozer, especially in winter. In the summer, though, he becomes a lawnmoooer.
That’s about enough humooor for today.
I wish my name weren’t Jannabelle. I wish it were Mooodini. Then I could just magically disappear. But I am Jannabelle, so I’ll just tinkle off into the distance. (Exit, ringing bells.)
. . .
I apologize to any readers who consider puns the lowest form of humor. I promise not to make this a habit, but today I just couldn’t resist.
And in case you wonder, Jan doesn’t make a habit of costumes and speeches at work. She only performs occasionally — and probably will continue her clowning for as long as her boss gives her an A+.
If you enjoyed this column, please share it with friends and spread the news. Thank! Carol
Carol Van Klompenburg is a writer living in Pella, Iowa. She has a BA in English and an MA in Theater Arts, and she is available for reading performances of her work. Her email address is carolvk13@gmail.com.
Her latest book, A World in a Grain of Sand: Lively Little Stories of Household Stuff, is available in Pella from Carol or from Pella’s Curiosity Shop. It can also be ordered from Amazon. Readers are calling it “stirring,” “winsome,” and “delightful.”
I enjoyed your cow story, giving Marika credit for the puns.
Your sister was thankful you saved her with her cow costume.
Enjoyed this. I milked my first cow when I was in kindergarten. The understanding was that if you started you got your own cow to milk and you showed up at milking time twice a day to milk her. A big assignment for a 5-year-old boy. But I persisted and as I grew older more cows were added to my choring assignment. My first cow was a big old red cow named Orrie. We often named cows in unique ways. Orrie was named after the farmer my dad purchased her from. The next cow I was assigned was called the "Short Titter" for obvious reasons. I think my dad thought it was ideal for my smaller hands. It's a punny world!