Bonding
On relationships and health
There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickering, apologies, heart burnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that. -Mark Twain
Those who love deeply never grow old. They may die of old age, but they die young. -Benjamin Franklin
“She was sobbing, so I walked over to her and gave her a big hug,” said Kathryn. She volunteers as a receptionist one day per week at an Iowa social service agency that offers help to people in hard places. “Now each week when she comes in, she talks with me before she goes to her counseling session.”
My friend had begun a relationship. Her face was radiant as she told me the story. That new relationship brought her joy.
But good relationships—whether marital, family, or social—don’t bring just joy. A Harvard Study tracked 724 men for 75 years and generated tens of thousands of pages of information. The study’s clearest message: good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
The expanding field of neuroscience teaches us that people with social support generally have better mental health, heart health, immune systems, and brain function.
In his book Timeless, psychology professor Louis Cozolino writes that our brains are social organs, and so we are wired to connect with others and be part of groups. We are like trees in a farm grove; we look like individual trees, but deep underground the roots that nourish and feed us are intertwined.
In the 1960s, researchers believed that social relationships become impaired and less satisfying with age. But more recent research shows just the opposite. In general, older adults typically report higher levels of satisfaction with their social relationships than younger adults.
Our social circles may shrink a bit as some of our friends die or move away, but our networks are also smaller by our own choice. We may reduce contact with some acquaintances and maintain ties with closer friends and partners. We keep the relationships that are most rewarding. For close relationships, it is wise to show gratitude and never take those you love for granted.
While good relationships benefit our health, loneliness can be deadly. It increases mortality by 26 percent according to one study cited in Perspectives in Psychological Science. And more than one in five Americans is lonely at some point.
One explanation for the increased mortality among lonely people is that social relationships help reduce our stress and lower our level of the stress hormone cortisol, which is hard on our bodies and our emotions.
One transition that can produce loneliness is retirement, when you no longer see the same network of people at work every day. It takes effort to replace workmates with playmates. Other transitions, such as moving or a change in your physical status that limits your participation in a previously enjoyed activity, can also produce loneliness. Or perhaps you are one of the world’s introverts who doesn’t build relationships easily. What can you do?
If you find yourself staring at the television more hours than is good for you, you may want to replace screen time with people time.
Volunteering, as my friend Kathryn did, is one way to build bonds with new people. Opportunities to volunteer abound: churches, schools, soup kitchens, libraries, rescue missions, thrift stores, and more.
Building a relationship with grandchildren or other youth can boost our morale. The bond between young and old is a special treasure. Colozino says, “We build the brains of our children through our interaction with them, and we keep our own brains growing and changing throughout life by staying connected with others.”
It’s also wise, at this stage of life, to establish a strong relationship with a good physician.
The bonds we establish can be with friends, family members, or spouses. What is critical is to have a network of loving relationships that are there for us when we need them.
As my friend Kathryn learned, relationships in which we provide support for others are some of the most rewarding bonds. I volunteer weekly at that same reception desk as Kathryn. I like the way Kathryn’s face glowed when she talked about the new bond that had grown. In the future, I would like to be more sensitive to the needs of the clients I welcome. It just might contribute to their health—and mine.
Adapted from Creative Aging by Carol Van Klompenburg, available from Amazon.