Creative Aging: Accepting Limits
“Learn to accept your limits, and you’ll be a happier person.” —David D. Burns, Psychiatrist
Once, when my 88-year-old mother forgot a fact (I have forgotten what it was), she threw a shoe across the room in frustration. Dad, age 90, looked at her and said gently, “It is no shame to forget, Mary. When you get old, you forget sometimes. I forget, too.”
But his words were no consolation to her. Dad had accepted this aging loss. My mother had not.
We are all getting older. We are aging. Advisers on aging with grace say a key is acceptance.
There are different forms of acceptance. When we accept a gift, we willingly receive it. When we accept pain, we endure it without further protest. When we accept a fact, we recognize it as true. And when we accept a responsibility, we agree to undertake it.
In accepting aging, I think some dimensions of all four of these variations are present. We willingly receive it, we endure it without protest, we recognize it is true, and we agree to undergo the process.
We have no choice about whether or not we will age. Aging is inevitable.
To deny the reality of aging is the height of foolishness. No series of facelifts and tummy tucks and toupees can stop the calendar. We can delay the appearance of aging, but time marches on.
We can delay some of the effects of aging through exercise and healthy eating and staying active mentally and socially. But we cannot stop the biological clock. It keeps on ticking.
Our choice is whether we will accept aging or spend our time fighting it, being angry about it, and eventually growing depressed, anxious, or bitter.
Acceptance of aging, like acceptance of any difficulty in life, is not easy, is not instant, and is not once-and-done.
When one accepts, one may still have pain, but not the unnecessary pain of resentment and self-pity.
Psychologist Marsha Linehan calls radical acceptance a way of tolerating distress. Her definition of radical acceptance: “It’s when you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness.”
That’s what I’d like to do. That’s what I need to do. Over and over again.
There is a necessary balance, though, between acceptance and resistance. You can accept aging and still resist its effects by exercising, eating well, and staying socially active. The balance is like the serenity prayer: God grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Having realistic expectations is another term for this balance.
One writer I read about accepting aging spent almost all of her words on staying active and staying healthy. She almost denied the need for acceptance.
In realism, not denial, lies the path to acceptance. We shouldn’t expect the worst—it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But at the same time we recognize our minds and bodies have more limitations than they did at age 20. A key is to accept limitations calmly, without clicking into a fight-or-flight response. In balance lies the ability to embrace our past without trying to relive it. To accept our future without being terrified of it. We can be proud of our past achievements and grateful for our current survival. We can fight the negative attitude toward aging, remembering that we are loved.
At 90 my father learned that lung cancer limited his life expectancy to four months. He wept. We did too.
In the days that followed Dad’s diagnosis, he found a path to acceptance by living each day as it came. He was an internal processor. He didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, but I saw him come out of his depression and take an interest in his now more limited life. We wheeled him to the car and took him on outings—to see the demolition of the local grain elevator, to see the progress on the new Casey’s store, to experience the pleasure of a soft-serve ice cream cone. He cherished each experience, absorbing it with eagerness. He was awed by the power of the wrecking ball and amazed by the speed of the construction. He relished the ice cream cone. His gratitude for small daily gifts enhanced his acceptance.
He is a role model for me, and perhaps for us all.
Adapted from Creative Aging by Carol Van Klompenburg, published 2023, available from Amazon and for Pella-area residents at Pella Books, the Curiosity Shop, or directly from Carol. Carol has an MA in theater arts and is available for reading performances of her writing on aging, moments in her gardens, memories, and other topics.