Sharpened by Community

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” —Mother Teresa

The loneliest year of my life was the year after I graduated from college. I taught high school 500 miles from northwest Iowa where I had both grown up and attended college. I had a new job, new city, new colleagues, new roommates, and new church. I missed my campus, college activities, and classmates. My new acquaintances were friendly, but I was lonely even when surrounded by them.

Retirement was an easier adjustment for me. I had the same town, same friends, and same church. But retirement adjustment is not smooth for everyone. Some miss their work colleagues. Others move to a new location. And as the years go by, the reasons for loneliness increase. Children might move away. Friends and acquaintances might die. We might be unable to participate in the same activities we once enjoyed.

Long-term social isolation can raise our dementia risk by 64 percent. It can also result in poorer sleep, elevated blood pressure, and a higher cortisol level: all three of these have negative effects on our minds.

An AARP study revealed that Medicare spends $134 more per month on every lonely older adult than for every socially connected one.

What can we do to combat loneliness? We can challenge it on three levels: by changing our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions.

We can challenge our negative thoughts—our self-talk. For example, when we are convinced that our children no longer love us, we can remind ourselves that they have busy careers and families.

We change how we feel. We can take a walk or a warm bubble bath. We can play soothing or energetic music.

Finally, we can change our actions, finding ways to connect with family, friends, acquaintances, and people we do not yet know.

We do well, when seeking to socialize, to ask ourselves what kinds of relationships are important for us. For some people, brief contacts—a friendly exchange with a grocery store clerk or a brief chat with a neighbor at the mailbox—are nourishing. For others, collaborating as part of a volunteer assignment provides the kind of contact they want. Still others treasure deep relationships with their relatives of all ages.

Family relationships can be deepened by familiar activities such as cooking together or by trying new activities such as cooperating on photo albums or scrap books. My husband and I have created a new tradition for our grandchildren. When they are nine years old, they get to spend a week alone with us and we pack that week with as many interesting activities as we can. We also have a family reunion at an out-of-state location every year or two.

People gather at churches, at senior centers, for special-interest clubs, and for card groups such as bridge or canasta. Some people play in a city band. The Pella city band has members ranging from adolescents to people in their 70s and 80s.

If in-person contact is not possible, we can use technology to help us out. The COVID pandemic helped many of us master those skills. We can use our smart phones to both hear and see one another. Or we can use a program like Zoom or Google Meet to keep in touch with friends and family.

We can invite people to share a meal in our home, or we can go out to restaurant to eat together.

People aren’t the only possible companions. Pets can also fill a lonely heart with love and warmth. (Be warned, though, that pets are not only good companions; they also require a commitment and work.)

One very practical step can help some people socialize: If you ever find yourself having difficulty hearing, get your hearing tested. And if you have hearing aids, wear them. I got hearing aids at age 48, when my husband could hear the phone ring from outside of our home, and I couldn’t. Now he gets tired of repeating himself when I am not wearing them first thing in the morning.

The same year I got my hearing aids, my siblings and I gave a pair to each of our parents as a 50th anniversary gift. I noticed immediate improvement in their ability to converse in groups.

A final note: you can be socially isolated without feeling lonely, and it is still bad for your health. Studies showed that, even if a person doesn’t feel lonely but has few social contacts, that person is at increased risk of depression. This is especially important information for us introverts. I could be happy for a long time reading my books and working with words. But it would not be good for me.

In three weeks, we have now covered the three components of nurturing our minds: physical care, brain workouts, and socializing. Often a single activity meets two of these criteria at the same time. When we join a chess club, we give our minds a workout and we spend time with others. When we volunteer, we often learn a new skill and meet new people. When I go for a walk with my friend, I meet a social need and get physical activity at the same time. (And if it is a Spanish-speaking friend, my brain gets a workout too.)

Over the past three weeks, I’ve been inspired to try some new activities. I hope you have, too.

Now I’m ready for something lighter. Next week, we’ll go to the movies.

Adapted from Creative Aging by Carol Van Klompenburg, published 2023, available from Amazon.